useful / used
June 24th, 2010 | various / varios | No Comments“Can I be of use to you in something? Can I help you?”
With this I don’t mean you could take out my eye for a transplant or that I could stay an entire afternoon talking with you.
There a lot of difference between use and abuse, between feeling useful and feeling used. When I am of use to you, I feel good, and I am likely to stay by your side in case you need me for something else.
But when you use me, I feel bad, like a dirty dish towel. I don’t want to let you use me again because you don’t value what I offer you, but just that I have been of some value to you.
And it’s in the concept of value where the main problem arises. Am I of value to you for what I do or for who I am? Do you look for me for what you see in me or for what I can do for you?
When you look at me and ask me for a favor, you are seeing only my skills and to what extent these can be useful to you in something…it’s as if when you see a pig, you only see future chops, sausages and hams.
At any moment in the process, have you really been interested in me? And if you have, was it just to look good and so it wouldn’t be noticed that you only wanted to use me?
We can easily get infected with the psychological techniques of the marketing specialists. Those responsible for Human Resources only see in the person in front of them the potential to do a concrete job. And when they ask, “How’s the family?” in reality they only want to know if one is married, divorced, or has children. Many people do the same thing in their social relationships of any kind, including with their closest friends.
Yesterday you used me. Today you used me. Tomorrow I will think before I get near you. But if you seek me and really want to spend time with me, if you are sincere when you ask “How are you?” and you even expect an answer that’s not just “well,” because your eyes and ears are attentive,…then I assure you, you will get more from me than you think. I will offer you everything because you value me, whether I do something for you or not, whether I am useful for something.
It is difficult to do a favor and know that if you hadn’t done it, they would have treated you with the same affection.
I am not a vending machine, or a kitchen robot, or even a toothbrush. I am a person first and before anything. And I am looking for someone who values me for what I am because I am fed up with those who only value me for what I can do.
And in this process money is also important, although it is not the most important thing. I am very happy to do some work for free if it is worth it. But if you take it for granted that I have to do it for you for free, you are wrong again.
A great friend* explained it with a good example: “Let’s say if I have an actor friend and he invites me to one of his performances. Because I am a friend, I am likely to pay for a seat in the first row. Not just because I am his friend would I expect him to give me a free pass, because then I am not helping or supporting him in his work. As he interests me as a person and an actor, I want to pay my entry.” Or buy his CD instead of copying it illegally. Or buy his book instead of asking a friend to lend it to me. Or pay for his work, although later it doesn’t suit me for some reason. If not, I again make him feel “used.”
Once someone from London ordered a logo for a theater. When the proposal arrived, they answered me amiably that there had been a misunderstanding. They had given the same request to someone else and it was already accepted. They also told me that my work was high quality, they liked it very much, and their response came accompanied by a voucher for a small amount in exchange for my expenses or a minimal appraisal for my time and work.
I believe this is a good example of how to work ethically.
Don’t rob me of my hours or my talent. Don’t even try to ask me for a favor for nothing. Don’t use me and throw me away like a piece of tissue. Can you do something for me in exchange? You can return the favor, give me some of your time, make me a gift, or pay me something that, although it doesn’t reflect the real value of the work, serves to let me know that you value my hours of effort.
I would love to be useful to you, in the past, in the present, and in the future. And so each time I could look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself. Not like a used kitchen towel, dirty and thrown into a crumpled ball in some corner of the kitchen.
Thank you for making me feel “useful.” Don’t make me feel “used” again.
© Manuel Ordax (*Thanks to Nigel Goodwin for his example). Photo: Saimen/photocase